When you first got married, did you think to yourself, “I want to be the best wife I can be and then I will have an amazing and romantic marriage”? You worked hard to keep the house clean and make great, healthy meals for your husband. You organized his closet and tidied up his office. Maybe you did his laundry, scheduled his doctor’s appointments, and bought him new clothes. You reminded him of all the things that needed to be done in the yard and the appointments you made for him. Of course, you were working too, and that was a lot of work. Your friends asked you to hang out, but you thought it might look better if you were home with dinner on the table for your husband. This way you could spend time together and he would appreciate all the efforts you put into the relationship. Surprisingly, he rarely noticed all the efforts that you put into the relationship and instead of snuggling on the couch with you, he played video games or went to the gym. Maybe he began going to happy hour with his workmates a couple of nights a week and working more overtime. You decided that maybe he needed to know how much work you’d been doing for him and how he should be more appreciative and spend more time with you. Unfortunately, that usually ended up in arguments and cold wars. You began to feel lonely, tired, and unappreciated. How did this happen? You were only trying to be the best wife you could be.
After speaking to many men who come into my office for couples counseling, I have noticed a theme in their discouragement about their wives or partners. So many men feel controlled and disrespected by their wives. The problem is that your husband didn’t marry you to be his personal assistant, housekeeper, and mother. He fell in love withy our character and your confidence, fun loving spirit, and independence. When you took on the roll of CEO of the family and spent all of your time “helping” him, you actually, became less appealing. There are several reasons why. First, and most importantly, “helpful” in man culture can actually be considered disrespectful. Respect is like oxygen for a man. When you begin to act like his mother, doing things for him, you are inferring to him that he isn’t capable of doing them himself, or that your way is better. It’s discouraging when he gets off work and is met with complaints about what he hasn’t done or should be doing better. When he attempts to help and is told he should do it your way or you are annoyed that he didn’t do it the right way and you huff you’ll just do it yourself, in essence you are training him not to help you. Secondly, when you remind him of all the things that he must do or appointments he should go to or even which foods will be healthiest for him, he begins to feel controlled, and he gets resentful. Finally, when you are so busy doing everything, you wear yourself out. Your jar becomes empty and you can’t show up as your best self. Instead of looking forward tohis return and greeting him with happiness, maybe you meet him at the door with your “honey do list” or you scowl at him or ignore him when he walks in.
So, what should you be doing instead?
As the woman, you get to decide the tone of the relationship. If you want to be more appreciated, start by noticing the things your husband is doing to pitch in and then thank him for it. Look for 5 things every day that your husband did and let him know you noticed a few of them. Over time, you find that others in the house will begin noticing and thanking you for the things you do too.
Also, try some self-care. When was the last time you did something frivolous, just for fun? When you are having fun, your focus is on yourself and filling your happy tank instead of worrying about what your husband is or isn’t doing. You will find that you have more energy, and you will smile more. Instead of feeling like he has to defend himself from your criticism or avoid you so that he doesn’t have more on his “to-do” list, he will notice your smile and want to be closer to you. When you become pleasable, he will bend over backwards to make you happy.
So, what kinds of things can you do just for fun or to relax and fill your emotional cup?
Here are a few ideas other wives have tried:
- Playing tennis with a girlfriend
- Taking a dance class
- Singing at the top your lungs to your favorite music
- Try painting, knitting, or crocheting
- Learn to play the guitar or another instrument
- Learn a foreign language
- Watch a fun movie
- Take a bath with oils and candles and a good book
- Sit in the sauna or a hot tub
- Go shopping for fun
- Read a book
- Play an instrument or sing
- Watch the sunset
- Paint your nails
- Give yourself a facial
- Put lotion on before bed
These are only a few. See if you can make a list of 20 self-care things to try and then do 3 each day.
When your jar is filled up, you won’t have time to worry about what your husband is doing and you will show up as the fun and playful girl your husband fell in love with. Your husband will be drawn to this fun new you!
