Why doesn’t my husband appreciate me?When you first got married, did you think to yourself, “I want to be the best wife I can be and then I will have an amazing and romantic marriage”? You worked hard to keep the house clean and make great, healthy meals for your husband. You organized his closet and tidied up his office. Maybe you did his laundry, scheduled his doctor’s appointments, and bought him new clothes. You reminded him of all the things that needed to be done in the yard and the appointments you made for him. Of course, you were working too, and that was a lot of work. Your friends asked you to hang out, but you thought it might look better if you were home with dinner on the table for your husband. This way you could spend time together and he would appreciate all the efforts you put into the relationship. Surprisingly, he rarely noticed all the efforts that you put into the relationship and instead of snuggling on the couch with you, he played video games or went to the gym. Maybe he began going to happy hour with his work mates a couple of nights a week and working more overtime. You decided that maybe he needed to know how much work you’d been doing for him and how he should be more appreciative and spend more time with you. Unfortunately, that usually ended up in arguments and cold wars. You began to feel lonely, tired, and unappreciated. How did this happen? You were only trying to be the best wife you could be.
The problem is that your husband didn’t marry you to be his personal assistant, housekeeper, and mother. He fell in love with your character and your confidence, fun-loving spirit, and independence. When you stopped hanging out with your friends, going shopping with your mom, and spent all of your time “helping” him, you actually became less appealing. There are several reasons why. First, and most importantly, “helpful” in man culture is actually disrespectful. Respect is like oxygen for a man. When you begin to act like his mother, doing things for him, you are inferring to him that he isn’t capable of doing them himself, or that your way is better. Men do not want to be married to their mothers. Secondly, when you remind him of all the things that he must do or appointments he should go to or even which foods will be healthiest for him, he begins to feel controlled, and he gets resentful.
So, what should you be doing instead?
As the woman, you get to decide the tone of the relationship. If you want to be more appreciated, start by noticing the things your husband is doing to pitch in and then thank him for it. Look for 5 things every day that your husband did and let him know you noticed a few of them. Over time, you find that others in the house will begin noticing and thanking you for the things you do too.
Also, try some self-care. When was the last time you did something frivolous, just for fun? When you are having fun, your focus is on yourself and filling your happy tank instead of worrying about what your husband is or isn’t doing. You will find that you have more energy, and you will smile more. Instead of feeling like he has to defend himself from your criticism or avoid you so that he doesn’t have more on his “to-do” list, he will notice your smile and want to be closer to you.
So, what kinds of things can you do just for fun or to relax and fill your emotional cup?
Here are a few ideas other wives have tried:
Playing tennis with a girlfriend
Taking a dance class
Singing at the top of your lungs to your favorite music
Trying painting, knitting, or crocheting
Learning to play the guitar or another instrument
Learning a foreign language
Watching a fun movie
Taking a bath with oils and candles and a good book
Sitting in the sauna or a hot tub
Going shopping for fun
Reading a book
Playing an instrument or singing
Watching the sunset
Painting your nails
Giving yourself a facial
Putting lotion on before bed
These are only a few. See if you can make a list of 20 self-care things to try and then do 3 each day.
When your jar is filled up, you won’t have time to worry about what your husband is doing, and you will show up as the fun and playful girl your husband fell in love with. Your husband will be drawn to this fun new you!
