When a couple comes to see me for relationship counseling, one of the most common things they tell me is that they need help with their communication.  Usually that means that they argue, bicker, fight or stonewall each other because one or both get their feelings hurt or they feel criticized and defensive.  It can be exhausting and discouraging to feel like your relationship is so hard and you constantly fight. 

What I have found is that many times, we assume we know what the other person will say so we don’t actually listen to them but are thinking about what we need to say to defend ourselves. 

Here are four things you can practice to greatly improve communication in your relationships.

1) Be Present
‍Being present means listening to gain information to understand your partner’s perspective.  You can show you are listening by  using verbal cues such as asking questions like “What then?” or giving prompts such as “Tell me more”.  You can also use non-verbal cues such as nodding, eye contact, not getting distracted, having a pleasant and inquisitive facial expression, holding their hand or giving them undivided attention.

2) Accurate Reflection
‍When you are listening to understand your partner it is important to reflect back what you think they are trying to tell you so that you are both on the same page before you begin giving your response.  It is not uncommon for the listener to mishear what they are being told because of negative assumptions.  I remember a time in couples therapy when one person was passionately expressing herself to her boyfriend.  When she was done I asked him to reflect back to her what he had heard her say.  What he described was nothing close to what she actually said and I wondered if we had even heard the same words spoken. When I asked him about it, he said he didn’t need to listen because he already knew what she was going to say.  No wonder they were struggling to communicate and their relationship was suffering.  

3) Assume the Best Intention
‍Remember that you got together for a reason.  You are partner’s and on the same team.  If you hear your partner say something that feels hurtful, think to yourself, “What if there’s a different reason for that?”  What I mean by that is what if their way of seeing the situation is very different from yours.  You could consider their position and think “If I saw the situation like they did, maybe I’d feel that way too.”  This does not mean that you have to agree with their perception, but it can help you to slow down and give them the benefit of the doubt that they weren’t purposely trying to hurt you or be stubborn or mean.

4) Remain Calm
‍It can be difficult to remain calm if you feel hurt, misunderstood or angry.  The first three skills should help you to remain calm, however, if you get flooded and your fight and flight response kicks in, first breathe.  When we get a jolt of adrenaline our brain prepares our bodies to fight or flee the perceived dangerous situation.  One thing that happens is that your breathing becomes shallow and your heart rate increases.  When you are flooded and adrenaline has kicked in, you are unable to access the part of your brain that helps you to use logic, have self control and reasoning skills.  When you take several breaths and concentrate on breathing out slowly, it helps your brain to calm down.  Then evaluate if you are in a place where you can respond back calmly.  If you feel you are still flooded, ask to take a break and express the intention of resuming the conversation in 20 minutes.  While on your break, distract your mind and don’t think about the troubling conversation.  When you come back, try the previous steps again:  Be present, Reflect back accurately and Assume the best intention.

These skills can take time to perfect and sometimes our emotional triggers are too much to handle on our own.  Finding a therapist you can trust to help you process your emotions and practice these skills and other self calming skills can be helpful. 

These Skills and Others
When you are ready for next steps to find a therapist who can help you improve your communication skills to improve your relationship, click here:  https://www.restoring-mindscounseling.com/